Don't let "instinct" get the better of you

There has been an ongoing question in my mind for a few years, evoked by friends and strangers.

The friends are yearning for a relationship that doesn’t exist, a wedding that is far more important than a marriage… and a life that looks polished to perfection! They are fixated on the idea that one should get married (and have a huge and expensive wedding), then have children and live a seemingly fairytale existence. It is at this point that my opinion slaps them into reality and I tell them about ‘real-life’ people who have had all these things and yet they are unhappy.

I remember seeing a dad with his children at the zoo, his face couldn’t lie- this wasn’t exactly the life he had in mind all those years ago. The lines on his face were traced with regret, anger, resentment and confusion.

It was at this point where I began to ask- why do people have children?!

So my first and obvious point of reference was my parents. My mom didn’t really answer she said that she wanted to get married because she wanted to have children. That was it- she simply just wanted to have children. I guess that is what one would call instinct. And her instinct proved her right!

My dad- being his usual philosophical self- said something that I will never forget  “…By giving you life, I am also giving you death- I am so sorry.” I don’t think he had thought of it that way until the words came out of his mouth.

Neither of my parents ever wanted to live their lives through their children. They didn’t want us to right their wrongs, or better their achievements, let alone match them. They just wanted us to be ourselves, and to be happy. While this may sound quite obvious and clichéd to some of you, trust me- I never ever take it for granted.

I have friends and family who spend their existence trying to be what their parents were (or weren’t)… or even just someone they would like to be, instead of just being who they are, all to gain their parents’ approval.

This is what we do, it is instinctive. Our parents are the ones who brought us into this world; of course we want to impress them!

So back to my question- why do people have children? When I began asking this I was not a lot younger than I am now, but I was definitely in a very different head space. And my conclusion then was quite cynical- the reason proved to be an egotistical one. People I asked wanted to see themselves produce a more perfected version of… well themselves. There is a lot of truth in this.

I know instinct plays a huge role here. But as we ‘evolve’ as a species, I am not so sure our instinct is something we should rely on anymore.

I think we have a great responsibility in this question. And I don’t think that we are all taking responsibility for the answer.   

I do know that one day when I have children I will be sure to let you know why.